Creating a Ring of Courage:
Help for the Bullied Child
By Catherine Knott, Ph.D.

As Barbara Coloroso shows in her insightful book, The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander, it takes more than one child to create and carry through a bullying situation. Too many times, teachers and parents may interpret the situation evident between a bully and his or her target as normal teasing or playground play. Too often, these children are redirected to conflict resolution, or ineffective punishment for a single incident, when what is occurring is systematic, repetitive, intentional cruelty based on contempt. Many Asperger's children and teens, with their low perception of social cues, their differences, both social and at times intellectual, from other children, and their physical awkwardness, make ready targets for bullying. Children with other learning disabilities can also become a target of bullies.

How can a parent make a difference? This article highlights ways you can support your child, not through asking him or her to change, but by identifying and supporting those children who are bystanders willing and able to act in your child's defense. Too often, as Coloroso notes, bystanders – those who are neither bullies, nor direct targets of bullies – are unwilling to come to the aid of victimized children because then they become the targets, and are sometimes treated more harshly than the original target. It may be because, by standing up for the rights of the targeted child, these defenders have called attention to the bully's inner character problems, thus adding insult to injury in the bully's calculations. Their outspoken behavior challenges the bully's right to harm others.

Yet while teachers and parents can teach other children new strategies for behavior, and encourage social perceptiveness about bullies, children with Asperger's may always have difficulties with bullies, even when they reach adulthood, because of their difficulty with social cues. The skills necessary to read these social cues quickly and accurately to avoid or deflect bullying in different situations may be out of reach for many children and teens with Asperger's.

But even serious bullies are reluctant to target a child who has a strong circle of friends or supporters around him or her. While it is true that children with Asperger's may have a limited circle of close friends, because of the nature of their own social interactions, it is also true that every classroom and neighborhood has a good chance of containing other children who are morally motivated to protect and defend children who are being targeted. Unfortunately, far too often, teachers, parents, and others ignore and fail to support these children in right actions, because they tend not to be troublemakers, nor victims, and thus are a group of children teachers often feel they can safely trust with less attention. Yet identifying and supporting these children may be the surest solution to bullying, either of children with Asperger's, or of children targeted for other reasons.

The chart, "The Bullying Circle", adapted from Dan Olweus' work, in Coloroso's chapter on bystanders, outlines a variety of types of bystanders. As Coloroso notes, there are no innocent bystanders. Those individuals who are neither the aggressive bully nor the target still enable the bullying through their silent or not so silent presence. The chart may be summarized as follows:

• Bullies start the bullying.
• Followers or "henchmen" take an active part but do not start the bullying.
• Supporters, or passive bullies, support the bullying, though they do not take an active part.
• Passive supporters, or possible bullies, like or are amused by the bullying but do not display open support.
• Disengaged onlookers watch what happens and don't take a stand.
• Possible defenders dislike the bullying and think they ought to help out, but don't do it, perhaps paralyzed by the fear of becoming the next target.
• Defenders of the target dislike the bullying and try to help the target.

––Coloroso, 2003: pp.64–66

Parents and teachers of children with Asperger's (or any bullied child) should sit down together and try to identify which children in the classroom or neighborhood take the roles of possible defenders and defenders. Parents should enlist the teachers' help in showing active support to these children for courageous and compassionate behavior. Teachers should then take these children aside as a group and let them know that their proactive behavior and empathy has been recognized, and that the teachers and parents would like to enlist their help in protecting certain children from bullying. Giving the defenders and possible defenders attention strengthens their position, gives them direct access to each other, and lets them know that the adults will support them if they ask for help in defending a targeted child.

Next, with the group of identified defender children, teachers (the parents concerned may want to be present) should come up with a specific list of possible bullying situations for each targeted child, and discuss specific action steps the defender children can take in each situation. The children may bring up actual incidences that have taken place unknown to the teachers; the teachers should be prepared to be sensitive listeners without taking control of the discussion. These children need to gain ground in their alternative leadership roles. Practicing by leading discussions on these issues and creating their own action plans helps them to stand up to bullies who are often acknowledged mainstream leaders in their peer groups. Some instances of potential bullying may provide special challenges. The following is an example taken from actual events.

Children discussed how bullying often occurred on the playground that was farthest from the school building. Teachers very rarely walked all the way over to this farthest playground, so bullies were able to torment children out of the sight and hearing of the teachers. All the children believed that if the teachers learned of persistent bullying on this playground, they would make it off–limits during recess; none of the children wanted this outcome, because this playground had some of the most interesting play structures (in addition to freedom from teacher oversight). This consideration thus hampered and constricted the defender children from taking direct action to stop the bullies. Several of the possible defenders then brought the situation up privately with a sympathetic teacher who they felt sure would protect the confidentiality of the students' problem, and their concern over losing rights to that playground. The teacher and the students came up with a plan. Since there were several possible defender children in the group, and they usually played together, at the onset of any bullying behavior, one of these children would run to get the teacher, while the other defender children would do their best to keep the bully at bay. They agreed to use several tactics, ranging from delaying the bully through verbal arguing, to defending the child targeted by standing directly between him or her and the bully. Obviously, this scenario would only work if the teacher responded quickly and consistently each time. But after the discussion, the students felt confident that they could trust this teacher to support them. Bullying on the distant playground decreased substantially as a result.

When children who act as defenders, and those who would like to, know their mission is acknowledged, they can form a ring of courage and compassion around the targeted child, and prevent bullying from occurring. Once activated, the children with this kind of bravery, if supported by peers and teachers, can change a climate of hostility and fear to one of peace and safety. The teachers and parents are nurturing these children's potential to become the adults who act against the greater atrocities of the adult world. The people who hosted escaping slaves on the Underground Railroad, the Danes who rescued their country's Jewish citizens during the Holocaust, and countless whistleblowers against corporate bullying in our time are all adults who learned how to form a ring of courage with others similarly sensitive to outrageous behavior.

At the same time, encouraging and supporting the defender children offers indirect but powerful support to the bullied child, whether he or she has Asperger's or not. The child becomes braver learning that others will defend him or her, and gains freedom to express creativity and gifts that may bring rewards to others throughout his or her life. For the sake of all children, the bullies who must learn different patterns before it is too late, the bullied who often have so much to offer the world if they are not intimidated, and the bystanders who need support to take courageous action, parents and teachers must take courage themselves to provide active, consistent, and organized support for an end to bullying.

REFERENCE:
Coloroso, Barbara. 2003. The Bullied, the Bully, and the Bystander. New York: HarperCollins Publishers, Inc.