Seven Simple Tips for Talking to Your Child's Teacher

By Hugh C. McBride

You're a competent, well-adjusted adult with a job, a home and a family. You navigate myriad challenges on a daily basis, juggle multiple responsibilities and regularly overcome obstacles that would derail the efforts of a less dedicated, less disciplined person.

Why, then, do you continue to get sweaty palms and flutters in your stomach at the thought of going to your child's school to talk to their teacher?

Just like going to the dentist or venturing into an automobile showroom, talking to a child's teacher can summon feelings of inadequacy or feelings of imminent frustration. But it doesn't have to be that way.

As with dentist appointments or car-purchasing endeavors, talking to a child's teacher usually ends up being much more productive than your fears would have led you to believe. You can significantly enhance your chances of having a successful interaction with your child's teacher by considering the following seven tips:

Tip #1: Make the First Move

Too many parents wait until there's a problem – their child acted up in class, or is falling behind academically – before they talk to the teacher. Delaying a conversation until a crisis occurs almost guarantees that the discussion will be a tense one.

Instead, take the initiative to meet with your child's teacher on a more positive note. Almost every school has some type of "Meet the Teacher" or "Back to School" night for parents. Be sure to attend.

If your child's school doesn't offer this type of opportunity, contact your child's teacher and request a conference. Most teachers welcome positive parental input, and will be more than happy to meet with you.

Tip #2: Express Your Enthusiasm

Your child's teacher should be an expert in at least two areas: the subject being taught and the art of teaching. But you're an expert in one important area, too: your child.

When meeting with your child's teacher, emphasize your willingness to share your insights into your child's academic and behavioral history, and let the teacher know that you want to play an active, positive role in your child's school experience.

Also be open to listening to what the teacher has to say and considering what you hear during this meeting. Realize that your child acts differently in school than at home (just like you did), and don't presume to have all the answers when it comes to what goes on in the classroom.

Tip #3: Think Cooperation, Not Confrontation

Whether or not a problem has already occurred, make every effort to make your meeting one of cooperation, not confrontation. You and your child's teacher share a similar goal – the academic success of your child – and your discussions should be focused on how you can work together (along with your child, of course) to achieve this objective.

You may not agree with everything the teacher says (a feeling that may well be mutual), but that doesn't mean that the teacher's theories and techniques are necessarily wrong. Understanding can't occur without the exchange of ideas, and as long as you remember that the goal isn't to "win" the argument, but rather to design a plan for your child's continued academic progress, then you should be just fine.

Tip #4: Don't Believe Everything You Hear

If your child has been struggling in school, there's a good chance that you've heard how mean, incompetent or otherwise unworthy the teacher is. And because schools are staffed by actual human beings, there will, unfortunately, be teachers who fit these descriptions. However, carrying preconceived notions of a teacher's inadequacies into a meeting is sure to result in a frustrating (and fruitless) experience.

If you have legitimate concerns about things that the teacher may have said or done, by all means express your misgivings. But as with Tip #3, remember that the goal of meeting with your child's teacher is to find solutions, not assign blame.

Listen to what the teacher has to say, and make your judgments based upon what you see and hear in person. If you leave the meeting less than satisfied, this is the time to contact a principal or other administrator – but first, give the teacher the same respect and opportunity to clear the air that you expect to receive yourself.

Tip #5: Do Your Homework

Remember that you are your child's best and most motivated advocate. If your child has a learning disability or a disorder such as Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, be sure you know what types of support services the school is required to provide, and make sure that these obligations are being met.

If you suspect that your child's academic frustrations may be the result of an undiagnosed disability or disorder, find out what types of tests are available and talk to the teacher about having your child assessed.

Tip #6: Offer Your Assistance

If your child is in elementary school, there will surely be a need for parents to chaperone activities, help out with field trips or otherwise participate in school-related functions. If you can squeeze these opportunities into your schedule, find out how you can become more involved.

If time is tight, talk to the teacher about what other contributions you can make, such as arranging for a tour of your workplace (a definite plus if you happen to work in a candy factory or video-game design firm), providing a guest speaker for the classroom or arranging to help raise funds for a class event.

Offering your assistance lets the teacher know that you are committed to maintaining an active, positive presence in your child's life, and allows you to be involved in a non-threatening (and hopefully constructive) manner.

Tip #7: Continue the Conversation

Don't make meeting your child's teacher a "one and done" experience. Attend school functions, send the occasional e-mail when events warrant and keep the conversation going.

If your child knows that you are in regular contact with the teacher, any plans to "divide and conquer" are much less likely to be put into play. And, in the same manner that regular physical checkups help your doctor notice any potential problems before they cause significant damage, so, too, can keeping in touch with the teacher allow you to identify and address potentially problematic behaviors before they threaten to sink your child's progress.

Get Help if You Need It

Being willing to talk – and listen – to your child's teachers can go a long way toward making the school experience pleasant and productive for everyone. But some issues can't be adequately addressed via conversation alone.

If your child is exhibiting signs of depression, defiance, substance abuse or other problematic behaviors, don't hesitate to get help. From school guidance counselors to private therapists to boarding schools for troubled teens, a number of options are available to meet your needs and those of your family.

Getting help isn't a sign of failure – rather, it is evidence of your commitment to your child's continued healthy development. As is the case when consulting with your child's teacher, approach any sources of assistance with a solution-oriented mindset, and don't give up until you've found the person or program that can meet your child's specific needs.